I feel that some kind of dark magic takes place once you put yourself into a car. People think they are invisible, invincible, and just turn into flat out assholes.

Driving is easily one of the most terrifying things I do all day. That’s saying a lot considering I teach 5th graders.

I think there are clear categories to put drivers into:

The aggressors- These people I bet are assholes in all aspects of their lives. They probably unapologetically cut people off in the grocery store just as much as they cut people off on the highway. They feel they have the right of way all the time. They are the people who rear-end you going 80 in a neighborhood and try to blame you for that accident.

The “peaceful” aggressors- These people are aggressive, arrogant drivers…but they also have “coexist” bumper stickers or “green peace” or my favorite the Christian fish. They are assholes in the car but are probably obnoxious with their peaceful viewpoints outside the car. So, in reality, they are just straight up assholes who try to hide it.

Subaru drivers-  I mean wtf? Why are they the worst?

Jeep drivers- Your car doesn’t make you anything special Mr. “It’s a jeep thing you wouldn’t understand.” Let’s not pretend you actually use it to go off-roading or anything remotely adventurous. The most adventurous thing you do is drive 90 on icy roads thinking you’re invincible and I, inevitably, pass your car later after you’ve spun out.

The Scarily Passive driver- I’m looking at you lady who I’m merging onto a freeway going 10 mph. At this point, we are all going to die because we can’t go from 10- 65 mph in 5 seconds. Start speeding up before I get crushed by a semi, please…thanks!

The super-aggressors- While it has never happened to me I have watched these crazy-ass people get out of cars to scream at people at red lights. What is possibly so bad in your life that makes you that angry? Seriously, take a breather, grab some Starbucks or something before you drive among the people again.

Vanity license plates- Entitled…that is all.

People afraid of indicators- These people NEVER use their indicators. Maybe they don’t know they exist. Someone should probably point this out to them. Indicators are meant to INDICATE where one is going to go with their car. When you use those, people are more inclined to let you over because they can predict where you want to go. This also allows people to not have to slam on their breaks causing a 10-car pile-up because you suddenly decide you want to be in the middle lane.

People who forget their indicator is on- You know that annoying clicking sound? That’s your indicator and it’s been on for the last 4 miles. I will only wait so long for you to come over. I give you a 2-minute window, any longer than that I stop believing you.

California license plates- Really, there’s nothing to be said here you know what’s up.

For all of our safety, fingers crossed on self-driving cars but in the meantime, just don’t be an asshole.